Friends of Dave #163: Special and Everlasting
Want to build something special and everlasting? Here's the secret.
Last weekend my family was extremely fortunate to be able to get together to celebrate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary.
It was me, my two sisters, our spouses, our children (collectively 8 grandchildren), three very close family friends and, of course the guests of honor.
In all 19 people came together as a direct result of something that happened in January 1970 (could easily have been more, but my parents just wanted an intimate gathering) and the journey that has transpired since.
As I am the oldest, my sisters both thought that I should be the one to make a toast. How do you sum up what a half century of anything means to you and others in attendance in a brief, meaningful speech that stands between a bunch of hungry kids and their chicken fingers and fries?
When I looked back on my parents' relationship (particularly as an adult with my own family), despite the challenges of raising 3 kids, moving 6 times, job changes, life changes, etc. they made it seem like it was easy. I obviously know there have been ups and downs, but these challenges just never seemed to have an obvious, lasting effect on them.
Being married takes work. And keeping anything, whether it be a relationship or a company (or a country for that matter) in tact and operating smoothly for an extended period of time is really hard -- especially these days.
It also takes some thought, skill and a little luck to make something that is inherently difficult look easy.
So as I was gathering my thoughts on what to say during my toast, I asked my mom: what is the secret to building something that lasts 50 years and beyond?
Here are a few insights from our conversation that I thought I would share:
-- Relationships are a series of understandings linked by partnership. From the beginning my parents always took time to discuss the issues that impacted them individually, impacted them as a couple, and impacted our family as equal partners. They shared their hopes, dreams, fears and needs, then they would then come to an understanding about how they would approach each issue, and then stuck to the plan -- together. The partnership, the give and take, that was always the glue.
-- Differences can strengthen a partnership. My parents met in high school and were (and still are) different personalities. By nature, she is an emotional extrovert. He is a logical introvert. They have never tried to change each other -- they have always embraced their differences and appreciated them for what they are. Their differences have always complemented one another and directly contribute to them being able to make more informed, well rounded decisions.
-- Patience paired with trust is extremely important. Two different individuals come at things from different perspectives or viewpoints. Patience is key to allow each person to work through issues in their own way and at their own pace. This combined with the trust they have in one another and in the partnership they have means that issues are tackled and resolved appropriately in due time.
-- They have maintained love, loyalty and respect as each evolved over the years. My parents first started dating as juniors in high school. As time and life went on, like we all have done, they each changed. There was a lot of listening, learning and growth that occurred along the way. And during this process, their love, loyalty and respect for one another (and their partnership) grew and is what has also kept them growing together and not apart.
-- A deep appreciation for the history that they have shared and a passion and devotion to what they were building together. My parents have always viewed their partnership as a work in progress. While they take the time to celebrate their individual and collective milestones, achievements and all of the things they and our family have experienced together, they have done so with healthy admiration and never lived in the past or let it be a distraction. However with this history as the foundation and guide, there has also always been an eye towards the future. Their story still has chapters to write -- and they approach each one with the same devotion as they did the first ones.
The effort that goes into building a special, everlasting partnership is obviously a lot more complicated than just a few bullet points in an email or a toast. I know much of the above could seem like common sense -- but I think sometimes it's the simple reminders that can get us to reflect upon our own situations.
Finally, I'll leave you with this: if you are looking to build something sustainable over time, think about the roles that partnership, diversity, patience, trust, communication, respect, appreciation, passion and devotion all play in the process. These ideals can easily be applied to a variety of relationships, companies and partnerships, not just the marriages between two people.
Have a great weekend everyone and be sure to check out the stories below!
XOXO
Dave
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