Friends of Dave #262: the visit
'Twas The Night Before Christmas 2021
NOTE: long time Friends might remember I did a similar one of these intros last year. I received a good response then and felt inspired to write another new version for 2021. Hope you will enjoy.
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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all across our block.
Not a person was streaming videos, not on Facebook, not on TikTok;
Once again laundered masks were hung by the front door with care,
This year with hopes that the next big variant would never arrive there;
The children were were out of screen time and snug in their beds;
While visions of distanced learning once again messed with their heads;
And mamma always in her yoga pants, and I in my sweats,
Had just cancelled family holiday plans, on New Years we were taking bets.
When out on the lawn there arose what sounded like drama
I hadn't heard quite a ruckus since my neighbor stole my yard sign supporting Obama.
Away to the window I stumbled to try to see about the row
"Alexa, lights on!" I shouted and she replied "Hmm, I don't understand right now."
"Why do we even have that thing?" I sleepily began to muse
All it does is spy on us and offer suggestions we will never EVER use.
And then I snapped back to focusing on the business at hand,
On my lawn it looked a lot like some guy that I once saw front a Dad Band.
It appeared that off a kid's hover board he had taken a fall,
I felt confident in that moment that my doorbell camera must have captured it all.
The guy was clearly impaired, drunk or high just the same,
And he rolled around, grunted and hollered, with each shout a random name:
"Yo, Dasher! Yo, Dancer! Yo, Adrienne and.....Spitzer!
Oh, Comet...I think, Cupid....WTF....Oprah and....Wolf Blitzer!
Help me up, you bastards! I need to get to my feet!
What kind of friends do you think you are? Can't you see I'm lying in the street?"
Now Friends of Dave, I'm sure by now you must be wondering why
I'm using this preamble to talk about this random drunk guy.
But trust me what happened next you are never going to believe.
I witnessed a feat that I not once thought someone could achieve.
Before I could say "Alexa, turn the damn outside lights on"
The weird fat drunk guy making all of the noise suddenly was gone!
As I drew in my head, and tried figuring out what was the matter,
Down the chimney this dude came with a bound and a clatter.
He had an odor of stale cigars and churros, from his Crocs to his head,
He hadn't slept or changed in weeks, it was clear he needed a bed.
A bunch of random packages he had flung onto his back,
And he carried a flask of some liquid that smelled like Coke and Jack.
His eyes—how bloodshot! his dimples, how hairy!
His cheeks were like leather, with his mask pulled down he looked pretty scary!
His little mouth was drawn up, I think I spotted some drool,
I've got to get video of this I thought, my kids would surely be a hit at their school.
It was definitely a vape pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
All that has been going on had clearly ruined his mellow.
His belly shook when he coughed, like a bowl full of moldy Jell-o.
He was chubby and plump, a shell of his old self,
But thankfully not as annoying as Caillou, or that damn Elf on the Shelf.
He mustered a wink of his eye to let me know things were okay,
We weren't going to have to call 911 early this Christmas Day.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And put boxes beneath the tree ; Standing there watching him I felt like such a jerk.
And taking one last puff of his vape and then pulling up his mask
And giving a nod to me before he left, I felt I had something to ask;
"Santa, is that you? How have you let yourself go?
What in God's name put you in this state? Enquiring minds want to know!"
But I heard him exclaim, as he hoverboarded out of sight,
“My damn elves and reindeer all quit last minute. 'Rona, my ass you can bite!”
Have a good and safe holiday break my Friends.
XOXO
Dave
Think on This...
How Our Brain Preserves Our Sense of Self
We are all time travelers. Each day, we experience new things as we travel forward through time. We visit the past through our memories and then journey into the future by imagining what tomorrow or next year might bring. When we do so, we think of ourselves as we are now, remember who we once were and imagine how we will be.
A Healthy Dose of Holiday Randomness...
Your most beloved “family” recipe just might have been dreamed up by a corporation in order to sell products. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. — tastecooking.com
The fear and shock that some people have when they find that their favorite recipe was made by a brand may come from the notion that they’re produced by faceless, nameless corporate entities—like a lab filled with robots. But that’s not the case.
Bah! Humbug! Italy bishop tells children Santa doesn't exist
Just imagining the sh*tstorm that would result if someone told the bishop that Jesus didn't exist....
A School Where People Learn How to Be Santa Claus The Charles W. Howard Santa Claus School in Midland, Michigan teaches professional Santas how to be the best possible Santas they can be.
15 of the Most Unusual Gifts Ever Given And you can visit these lasting expressions of gratitude.
How Christmas has evolved over centuries
People around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ on December 25. Here’s why—and the history of its iconic symbols from Christmas trees to Santa.
And The Last Word....
The 21 best movies of 2021 and how to watch them — www.vox.com How to watch the greatest films from a wild year.
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