Friends of Dave #345: ☠️ copy machines ☠️
An ode to summer's ugliest partner.
Ah, summer….
Backyard BBQs, trips to the beach, sunshine, heat, ice cream, outdoor adventures, camping, fireflies.
The very thought of summer can get you through the roughest of winters.
But it all comes with a price…and I am not talking about that hefty sum of money you dropped on that beach house.
No, Friends, summer has a partner — for most, it is the ugliest partner you can imagine. And I feel this partner, who we all know, isn’t talked about enough.
No, it’s not sunburn.
No, it’s not bug bites.
No, it’s not bumper to bumper traffic heading to your favorite beach.
No, it’s not Millennials taking their mega wide, big a$$ strollers into small beachside shops….
It’s FAR more ugly than that…..and you actually likely possess more than one yourself.
Summer’s ugliest partner: bare naked human FEET.
Starting sometime in late April or early May, just when the weather breaks 62.5 degrees Fahrenheit is usually when the horror show starts.
Out come the flip-flops, the sandals, the slides — and with them, ugly, stanky a$$ feet. Feet that have been undercover all winter. Feet that you have not thought about for over six months. Feet you never asked to see in the first place. Feet that have been hidden from you like your high school prom date’s adult voting record.
I’m sorry, but unless you are a human under the age of 18 months old, your feet are ugly.
My feet are ugly. I love my wife, but damn, her feet are ugly. We gave birth to four beautiful kids who we love more than life itself — and they all have ugly feet.
I’m not joking. My oldest son’s feet are so ugly, we refer to him as Bilbo Baggins…Picture having that show up on your phone when your kid calls you….despite that I am a proud ally of my Hobbit footed son and others like him…..
I don’t think it is because we happen to come from a long line of ugly feet people, either. I’ve traveled all over the world — feet are ugly everywhere. You can find people with hairy toes in Japan, you can find gross toenails on the beaches of Hawaii and you can find gnarly hammertoes in the upper reaches of Scandinavia.
Martha Reeve and the Vandellas’ famously sang:
“Summer’s here and the time is right for dancin’ in the streets.”
Despite it being a layup of a rhyme, as far as I know, they make absolutely no mention of the time being right to also see your ugly, stanky feets….
All the Vandellas I know would NEVER in their right mind advocate for that.
And yet, despite all of this, until every September 17th or so (unless you live in perpetual warm climates), we all flaunt our bare feet for the whole world to see whenever and wherever we can. There was a time where you would only see them on the beach. Now it’s feet on the airplane, the grocery store, the subway, the office…..Again, I am not above this. I’m wearing flip flops right now….you probably are too….
It’s also not just bare feet that are horrific. It’s seeing how the feet mold a sandal or flip flop into weird shapes that can also be seriously disturbing. I mean like nightmare inducing images that can get seared in someone’s brain for eternity.
You could be the smartest, most accomplished person in the room — but you wear a pair of Birkenstocks that maybe reveal a few hairy toes, adidas slides that let everyone see how your toes oddly curl over the front or sandals that expose your weird pinky toe that overlaps the two toes next to it and, no matter how much you spend on a pedicure, I’m telling you all bets are are off….I have absolutely changed my opinion of someone after seeing their bare feet…more than once.
And when you look at yourself in the mirror, Friends, admit it — you probably have too.
Here’s the funniest part: my kids tell me people are making a sh*t ton of money selling pictures of feet online. My daughter keeps insisting that her brother Bilbo set up an OnlyFans page — she even went so far to create a slide deck complete with market research and a hockey stick chart showing impressive projected 3-5 year ARR growth.
It was so convincing that I have advised my young Master Baggins to consider delaying grad school this Fall to see if he can raise a seed round to help get it started….
We have summer to thank for all of this.
Summer, with it’s abundant heat and humidity, invites us to no longer be constrained by socks and shoes. It says, “Hey, for just 3-4 months each year, you deserve to let those god awful feet of yours roam free.”
And, much to everyone else’s chagrin, we listen.
I’m telling you, bare naked human feet is summer’s ugliest partner, Friends.
Tolerate them when you can. Celebrate them if you will. Pay for pictures of them if you must….and for fans of Tolkien, there may soon be a site for you to visit....stay tuned….
XOXO
Dave
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