Friends of Dave #356: 🦹♂️ spandex revolution 🦸♀️
Hugs are like handshakes. This week we analyze the anatomy of a good hug.
Simple preamble this week, Friends….With lots of questions….
Are you a hugger?
Are you someone that will initiate a hug with someone or waits to reciprocate a hug? Do you just go for the hug or ask permission first?
Do you have different types of hugs for different types of people?
You know, like the “bro hug”, the “bear hug”, the “side hug,” the “parent hug,” the “let’s get it on hug,” the “lean-in-just-enough-but-not-really-engage hug”, the even less committal “air hug”?
Do you hate hugs? Are you afraid of hugs?
When does one graduate from offering a simple handshake to initiating a hug?
I’ve always felt that hugs are closely related to handshakes — the quality in which they are executed says a lot about a person. You can be someone who likes to give hugs to people, but if you aren’t good at it, it can really turn people off.
What makes a good hug anyway? And how does one learn how give an effective hug? When you think about it, most people have never been taught how to hug other people — it’s just something we instinctively do from birth and apply to our interactions with others over time.
As I sit here thinking about how to breakdown the anatomy of a good hug, I almost feel like I need a whiteboard or one of those telestraters sports commentators use.
The way I see it, a hug has a few basic components:
Initiation — who is the first to signal the commencement of the hugging process? Is it a unilateral initiation or bilateral? The relationship between the initiator and the receiver of the hug plays an important part in setting the tone for the rest of the process.
The Lead Up — there is usually a very short span of time before the hugging begins that is critical. Do you open your arms wide and make a big show of the hug? Do you shake hands and leverage that to continue to the next phase? Is it subtle? What words do you say? What facial expression do you have? Proper Lead Up management can make a bad hugger seem good, and a good hugger great.
Initial contact — okay, the hug is now clearly happening. During this shortest phase of the process you usually get a sense for the hug potential. If initial contact is awkward or cold, the rest can go downhill or can even give both parties the opportunity to abort the hug altogether. But if initial contact generates a bit of warmth or positive energy, you know the sky is the limit for this hug.
The Hug — Lights! Camera! Action! And now, the star of the show. The actual act of hugging has three very critical elements that, without thought, can impact future hugs by you and others that hug you. Those three elements are:
Duration — how long you sustain the embrace is important. Too short and it is a let down. Too long and it can be creepy. Old friends or close relatives maybe require a longer duration than average. Acquaintances and work colleagues, you usually want to get in and get out without the linger.
Force — how much effort is going into this hug? The type of squeeze delivered sends an important signal to the other person about your level of commitment to this hug. Like a weak handshake, if you are too passive, people can walk away with a poor impression. But with the appropriate amount of firmness applied, you can convert even the most reluctant huggers into future initiators.
Feeling — what are you feeling about this hug? Is this a happy hug? A sad hug? A loving hug? A consoling hug? A prefunctory hug? How present you are in the moment you are hugging another person and are able to identify and understand what you feel in that moment is transferred during The Hug.
Pre-Release — the hug is coming to an end, what do you do? Is there a pat on the back? Is there a kiss? Is there an extra squeeze you apply as sort of an exclamation point? Do you say something to the other party? The Pre-Release is an underrated, and often overlooked, phase of the process. Not crucial to get perfect, but can really add nuance to a simple, boring hug.
The Release — the process is now complete. Like the Initiation, who first signals that you have reached the end of the hug is an important element. Have both people acknowledged that the hug is complete or is there misalignment? The optimal Release is a Bilateral Release — one where both parties are exiting the process at the same time, without any uncomfortable or inappropriate Lingering.
The interesting thing about hugs is that they can last just a few seconds — but at the right time, done with the right amount of emotion and vulnerability, with the right person, they can be memorable.
Think about the best hugs you have received in your life. You might forget where you were or what you were wearing or even why the hug occurred in the first place, but you ALWAYS remember how those hugs made you feel.
So back to the original question: Are you a hugger?
If not, hopefully by breaking down and demystifying The Hug, you were able to receive some food for thought about how the connectivity we share with a simple, short embrace can have a long lasting impact on another person — and ourselves.
If you are a hugger, now that we broke down the anatomy of the hug, you should be more than willing to strive to perfect your craft. I’m challenging you to become the best hugger you know — across all 6 phases.
If we happen to cross paths any time soon, be prepared — I might just test you…
XOXO
Dave
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