Friends of Dave #361: 👺 ragamuffin day 🍭
A few thank you notes to show some gratitude.
Lots to be grateful for this year, Friends.
So much so, I have decided to write a few thank you notes this week. Hope you don’t mind if I share….
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Dear Retailers,
Honestly, thank you so much for starting the deluge of early “Black Friday” emails in late September. It provided me enough time to create a number of inbox rules to delete whatever you throw at me over the next 3 weeks. I can’t wait until the robots will do it all for me. Until then, know that I will be okay if I miss out on the deal on that 180” smart TV that you will undoubtedly discount even deeper after Christmas.
Forever an “unsubscribe”, Dave
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Dear Members of My Extended Family,
A heartfelt thank you for the fun Thanksgiving! Spending multiple days with you, your kids staring at their smartphones to hide their festering dysfunctions and anxieties, and your social media fueled political views was a real treat. And I am so grateful Nanna’s crying while having her annual mental breakdown wasn’t as bad as usual because it made it so much easier to tolerate your spouse forgetting their CPAP machine and the house shaking snoring that resulted after they got sh*thouse drunk Thursday night! I always look forward to having this time together once a year because it truly validates that my own life and family is perfect.
Can’t wait until next year! Dave
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Dear US Congressmen and Women,
Thank you for making every effort to share the daily sh*tshow the intricate process of “governance” on social media. The coke fueled tirades, the working overtime to threaten shutdowns, the contrived publicity stunts, the hidden camera footage and WWE style showdowns provide the world a shining example of American excellence. I’m personally grateful for all of these antics because it has given me the perfect opportunity to have meaningful conversations with my children about why we used skip afternoon classes in college to watch and laugh at guests on the Jerry Springer, Maury Povich and Jenny Jones shows back in the day. Now they don’t have to do that — they just scroll through their Twitter or TikTok feeds while they are on the toilet or, at the very least, watch C-Span.
Keep up the great work and free George Santos! Dave
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Dear Pharmacists,
Thank you for all of your hard work in this post-COVID world. It’s truly amazing that modern medicine has gotten so advanced that overworked “personal healthcare associates” can precisely diagnose common insurance approved cost codes ailments by just taking a look at us after we have waited 2 hours at an “urgent care center” that used to be a Pizza Hut where they were once head cashier. I know their ability to prescribe every patient with a sniffle a cocktail of medications whether they need it or not combined with aging Baby Boomers and the children that they overparented that now suffer from some form of real or imagined anxiety has made your lives pretty hectic. I’m also sure you didn’t mean to improperly fill my last prescription that made me breakout in hives and turn my tongue blue. It was probably my fault for declining to speak to you when the mumbling teenage cashier at your store asked me after the third time I drove over expecting to pick it up. I’m enclosing a $15 Dunkin gift card to show my gratitude for all of your work.
Have a great day, smile and take that lunch break! Dave
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Dear Everyone Under the Age of 40,
Thank you for being generous with your opinions all of the time. Although those of us between the ages of 40 and 65 quietly seethe at the mere sound of your voice when you address us like we are idiots, we understand you can’t help it and it is probably only because you have been raised to think you are special. We are truly grateful for your existence because it gives us something to commonly hate and use as ice breakers in meetings before you get there, when we actually talk to each other in bars and restaurants or when you are off reporting to HR about the rampant lack of “psychological safety” in the workplace or busy making TikTok videos. We appreciate you helping us be prepared for the pending downfall of the human race once AGI is achieved and you all tell us to chill after one of you unleash it on society accompanied by a simple 😈 emoji in a Reddit post.
We despise love you, Dave
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Dear Elderly Gentleman in the Grocery Store,
Many thanks for slowly shuffling in the middle of the bread aisle this week while “crop dusting” your fellow shoppers. You may not have noticed that I was so disgusted I left my cart, puked in the parking lot and could not eat for several days. Your act of kindness not only saved me money, it allowed me to lose 3 pounds prior to Thanksgiving dinner AND also somehow short circuited that annoying, creepy robot with the googly eyes that torments toddlers and randomly follows customers around! I hope things worked out for the best for you when you arrived home.
Got a Black Friday email with a deal on undergarments if you need it, Dave
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Dear Take Out Restaurant Owners,
Quick note of appreciation for the reminder to tip your staff when I pick up my take out order. I’m confident that you would prefer to pay them better, but pesky lingering “supply chain” issues, out of control rent and rising inflation continue to make it nearly impossible for you to do so even though your prices have gone up 127% since COVID and smartphones make it super easy for more people to order in advance online. The suggestion by your point-of-sale card swipe machine of an additional 20-30% tip for someone whose job is literally to make the sandwich and put it in a bag makes me feel like a total deadbeat when I type “0” but, hey, f*ck me, right? I should know better than to think back to a few years ago when the sandwich and drink that just cost me almost $20 with tip and I will be enjoying at home was about $8. Appreciate the reminder every time I walk out of your establishment.
Once again, thanks Millennials! Dave
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Dear FoDs,
A sincere thank you to all of you who continue to open these emails week in and week out. Glad you all are finding value and entertainment in me putting my brand of BS out there….Best to you and your families this weekend and the during the upcoming holiday season. Safe travels to all!
XOXO
Dave
And now a few things to make you smarter…
Here are the average Black Friday discounts of 13 major U.S. retailers for 2023, using data compiled by WalletHub.
WalletHub analyzed over 3,500 advertised deals from 2023 Black Friday ads from 13 popular U.S. retailers. The average discount was weighted based on the pre-discounted price of the item, which gives more credit to retailers discounting high-price items.
The term has been around since the 1800s, but it hasn't always been about low prices and holiday shopping. Here's the surprising origin of modern Black Friday.
Raccoon, not turkey, as a Thanksgiving dinner is a tradition as American as apple pie, and older than the Constitution. And Calvin Coolidge wasn’t having it.
Click here for a ton of Thanksgiving leftover recipe ideas and links.
“New York children have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day,” wrote journalist Wilton Markham in The Free Lance.
Dating back to 1870, before Thanksgiving was made a national holiday, children would run rampant in late November to celebrate Ragamuffin Day. Some wore garish masks modeled after George Washington, Uncle Sam, or various political figures. Dressed in their shabbiest finery, these faux-beggars would go door to door, collecting apples, candy, pennies, or other snacks, asking, “Anything for Thanksgiving?”