Friends of Dave #365: 👋 Anti-Hero 🎅
The Tradition Continues: Answer not a fool according to his folly.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and as you probably know,
Not a creature was stirring...some rest after yet another year that was a sh*tshow.
2023 was a tough one, with wars, big layoffs, rising interest rates and the threat of AI.
Global inflation has gone through the roof, making everything really expensive to buy.
The children ran out of screen time and tried to negotiate their way out of going to bed;
Those ungrateful little bastards don't even know how lucky they were to just get fed.
So to sleep went Momma with her CPAP machine, and I in my festive flannel PJs
Those little sh*ts just wear us out, it felt like we had gotten a break in at least 100 days.
We had just drifted off to slumber, when suddenly out front there came quite a commotion.
I was surprised I could hear it over Momma's CPAP machine, which sounded very much like the ocean.
I then fumbled for my phone, squinting at it with eyes open like slits.
"Where's that damn Ring Doorbell Camera App," I thought, "I'm gonna kill those little sh*ts!"
It was hard to tell what was happening -- was it maybe a raccoon or a skunk?
Was it a stray dog or a cat? Or was it just my neighbor Otis stumbling around stinking drunk?
Then suddenly out of the darkness what figure should appear?
Could it be Santa on his sleigh, and his eight friendly reindeer?
It was a guy with a beard who was large -- he was a big dude alright.
He certainly wasn't Santa Claus, but he was clad in a sweatsuit that was red, yellow & white.
I ran down to the front door, a baseball bat in hand so I could defend my castle.
“Who the hell is making all this noise?" I yelled, "And why all of this hassle?"
In the doorway stood the bearded man who waved and said, "It's me! Hi! I'm the problem, it's me!"
Wait...WTF...was this actually Kansas City Chiefs star & TV pitchman...Travis Kelce?
"Oh, you sort of looked like Santa," I said, "Or some drunk guy that may need some fixin'."
"No, it's just little old me," Travis said. "Not Santa and not Cupid. I just got dumped by Taylor, that vixen."
Unless you have been living under a rock, you know he meant singer/songwriter Taylor Swift.
She's been everywhere this year -- TV, concerts, movies.....some say she was local economies' biggest gift.
“Yeah it was fun while it lasted,” he continued, “But the whole thing really was a sham."
"Now she'll write a song about it -- the money and attention she really loves. Relationships? She gives not a single damn."
With that I invited Travis in, I mean how often do you meet a professional football star?
"Dude can I use your bathroom?" he asked, "I need to pee real bad & she left me with no car."
What would you do, dear Friends, if you expected Santa and Travis Kelce suddenly appeared?
Would you wake up your family or call your buddies? Doesn't this all seem pretty weird?
While Travis did his business, I frantically tried to make the house look it's best.
If Santa won't be coming, perhaps I could convince Travis to fulfill a huge Christmas request.
"Bro, the girl only spoke to me in song titles," Travis shouted from the bathroom with a scoff.
"It started with 'You Belong to Me' and 'Love Story' and soon it became 'Bad Blood' and then 'Shake it Off'"
With that he finished his tinkle…emerging with cheeks flushed and eyes as red as a cherry.
How would you feel if the biggest pop star on Earth dumped you? I'm sure you wouldn't be acting merry.
Then there was an awkward silence....it seemed like the ideal time if I was going to make my big demand.
“So, Travis....my kids happen to be big Swifties...her concert tickets easily cost a couple of grand....”
Just then you could see Big Kelce's blood starting to boil. He stared me right in the eye.
Looking back I can see I gave the room a bad read. My timing was poor and I just pissed off the wrong guy.
He began to clench his fists, grit his teeth and tense up his belly.
"If somehow I could get them front row tickets for Christmas," I nervously continued, "They would definitely make their friends so 'jelly'...."
"What is your f---ing problem, bud?" Travis growled, "I just came in here to relieve my bladder."
"Travis, I think You Need to Calm Down," were the exact words I uttered, and in hindsight they did the opposite and made him madder.
Now usually on Christmas Eve our house expects a visitor in red that is jolly.
On this night that was not the case, as I was a fool to answer to my own folly.
You see Travis Kelce then flew into a heartbroken rage of the most epic proportion.
He proceeded to trash our house, punch walls, and bend things to the point of the greatest contortion.
He cried "It was the worst season of my career and my teammates think I totally suck!"
"And SHE will get a gold record from it, more money and fans -- WHAT THE F---!"
At that moment, you could see poor Travis Kelce felt like he was behaving like such a clown.
It was only when he surveyed the damage from his outburst that he composed himself and mercifully began to calm down.
"Sorry bro, I'll get your family the tickets," he apologized "I really did not mean you any harm."
“I know this was all probably just a crazy dream," he said and with a wink he added, "But if not, just in case, make sure you call Jake from State Farm!"
______
Hope you all enjoyed this year’s holiday preamble, Friends. All in good fun. Bet you never saw that one coming….
Wishing you a healthy and safe break this week.
XOXO
Dave
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