Welcome to “in between” season, Friends.
Not quite Winter, but not yet Spring. Here in the US, it’s still mostly cold, but sometimes it is warm.
For parents of kids in school, the next few weeks are when the winter activities and routines start to wind down and give way to a new set of teams, practices, carpool groups and commitments.
Here, with our youngest now a teenaged sports nut, it means transitioning from one sport (basketball) to another (lacrosse).
It’s a grind with which I find myself having a complicated relationship: on one hand, the upheaval, the check writing and the calendar shuffling gets a bit tiresome and annoying. If you know, you know.
But, on the other, because we’ve had 3 other older kids having come and gone through this stage already in various forms, it is also one I cherish and appreciate more now than I did before. It goes fast and I know that once this last one leaves the nest (and his increasingly rancid sporting equipment) behind, life won’t be the same.
If you know, you know.
For the time being though, we are in it, and I am much more involved than I was in the previous iterations. Chalk it up to the benefits of remote work, flexible hours and just making a concerted effort to be more present in the daily comings and goings of my life.
I have written here before about our son’s love for team sports. As I watch and learn more about him as a person, I am understanding that, while he enjoys the intensity of the competition and games he plays, for our son (who can be a bit introverted) it’s really all about being associated with and accepted by a group. The changing seasons just serve as a forcing function to switch up the types of kids with whom he spends his afternoons, evenings and weekends.
Kind of like the equivalent of channel surfing — but complete with duffle bags and backpacks full of sweaty, stinky gear.
What I am observing is that our son attaches himself to the team, and for the 2-3 months he is on it, it becomes a big part of his identity. For a while he’s a football player who makes tackles, then he becomes a basketball player who gets rebounds, and then he transforms into a lacrosse player who defends his goalie from taking too many shots.
In each instance, he takes his role very seriously — he’s quietly intense and very competitive. He wants to do well, contribute to the success of the team and, most importantly, gain the respect and acceptance of his teammates and coaches. He is 100% invested in his team and does not want to disappoint any of them by not performing his best during crunch time.
He is driven by this last part. He hates to lose — but he is absolutely devastated if he let’s other people down…..yeah, we are working on this…
That said, as he has gotten older, this motivation (combined with a few puberty fueled growth spurts) has translated into positive results for him on the field or court that happens to be in season, particularly during games. Once the ball is in play, our son is usually locked in — playing relentlessly for the name on the front of his jersey more so than the one on the back.
He just wants to do whatever he can to help his team win.
With each week during the season (which ever sport it may be), he has been getting better. And as he gets better, he sees his teammates and coaches respond by giving him positive feedback. With each chest bump, high five, pat on the back or shoulder slap, he plays a bigger role.
He may not be the most gifted player on any of his teams — but it is becoming clear that his building self-esteem (more than any hormone that may be raging through his teenaged body) is his biggest performance enhancer. And it is having a compounding effect on his performance — he is helping his team achieve results.
When you think about it, isn’t this the case for most people though?
Most people just want to be accepted. They respond to constructive feedback and positive reinforcement. They want to know that others respect them for their skills and talents and rely on them to do their part. They want to feel like that they are an important part of the team.
They don’t respond well to shame, negativity or doubt. They don’t want to be micro-managed. Most people don’t really like letting other people down. Most people are also self critical — they know when they aren’t meeting expectations.
This is why I believe self-esteem and how we feel about ourselves plays such a huge role in performance.
Give someone a high five when you can.
Take the time to give a fist bump.
Go out of your way to pat someone on the back.
Tell them you believe in them.
Tell them you are proud of them.
Tell them that you love watching them do whatever it is they do.
Let them know they are a valuable part of your team.
Let them know they are needed.
Let them know they they are loved.
And then stand back and watch…..
With each changing season I am seeing first hand, up close, that if someone feels good about themselves, they can maximize their talents and be an increasingly valuable asset to a team. Results will compound.
Kind of like the stench that his coming from my son’s basketball duffle bag just about now…..but, hey, at least the lacrosse gear is clean.
XOXO
Dave
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