Friends of Dave #404: 🎤 check your head 🎙️
It's not what'cha want. It's what'cha need.
Friends, incredibly busy week here for me so I apologize if this seems like a bit of a replay.
I was traveling and while I was on my trip I was reminded of something important that we (myself included) often forget:
There usually is a difference between what people say they want and what it is they actually need.
You know the drill.
Someone — a customer, a colleague, a friend, a loved one, a kid — gets frustrated about something and they choose to communicate their frustrations to you in their own way.
They get angry.
They stamp their feet.
They cry in a crib.
They shout at clouds and raise their fists.
They pound tables.
They get emotional.
During the tirade they say a lot of things…..and usually those things are tied to something they insist that they want.
And what are we as humans conditioned to do in these cases?
In order to stop the tirade, the shouting, the crying, the table pounding and discomfort we tend to react by thinking it would be best to give the person whatever it is they have articulated (or worse, what we THINK they are articulating) they want during the peak of their frustrations.
Not to mention that all WE want is for the situation to dissipate and go away and for harmony to be restored.
But what we seldom do is stop and think and try to understand what is really NEEDED in these situations. A lot of the time, that thing that someone insists they want is not aligned with what they need.
Think about it — it’s understandable that this happens.
People are good at showing their frustrations. Not so good at effectively processing and communicating what is causing the frustrations. So when they get frustrated and start to rattle off things that they want, it’s them self diagnosing the problem. And we tend to want to take action and react to what we are hearing or perceiving.
But we are wrong.
Believe it or not, a better course of action is do nothing.
Weather the storm and let the ranting and emotions subside. Listen but don’t react.
Then, when things seem to calm down, start trying to unpack and understand what is behind the frustration. If you truly want to help, ask questions based on what was said to get to the root of what it is they really need.
Finally, take action to try to bring that outcome to them.
I had to remind myself of this a few times this week and thought I would pass it along.
It’s not about giving people what they think they want — remember that sometimes it’s about helping them get what they ultimately need that matters most.
XOXO
Dave
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