Friends of Dave #417: 🤖 Santabot Is Coming 🎅
A Holiday Tradition Continues....
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and wouldn’t you know it,
Not a creature was stirring...and if they were they wouldn't show it.
Another eventful year, 2024 it will be known,
One where the Fed cut rates but the cost of groceries continued to cause everyone to moan.
The children were all tucked in for a long evening nap,
Dreaming up new stupid phrases like "skibidi toilet," "rizz" and "no cap."
Momma still rocking her CPAP machine, and I with a pair of high quality ear plugs,
Friends, she sounds like f*cking Darth Vader, I'm seriously researching for local dispensaries of recreational drugs.
And just when my Ambien started to kick in, I heard something downstairs running amok.
For God sake I hadn't had a good night sleep in 5 years, I'm like, "Seriously?!? WTF?!?"
It better not be one of the college kids trying to make late night pizza bagels again,
Those b@stards always manage to leave the kitchen smelling like a combination of booze, farts and stale ramen.
I stumbled in the dark, angrily reaching to put my slippers onto my feet.
The noise downstairs was so loud, I would not be surprised if it woke half the street.
Then suddenly out of the darkness what figure should appear?
Oh please oh please let it be Santa on his sleigh, and his eight friendly reindeer.
Alas it was not anyone festive like Rudolph, the Grinch or good ol' St. Nick.
I would have probably even settled for The Great Pumpkin if Santa had to call in sick.
With each cautious step down the stairs my confusion began to grow.
“What is all this racket?" I shouted, "I barely sleep anymore, don't you know?"
The figure making all of the noise was not what you would expect.
It was moving around all herky jerky, knocking off boughs of holly from the halls that were decked.
"You're not Santa," I exclaimed. "Stop right there in your tracks."
"Yes, this is true," the odd-being said. "Not Santa and not Frosty the Snowman, but you can surely relax."
The thing in my kitchen was tall and it was skinny and it shimmered in the light.
I thought....is this a....ROBOT?....holy 💩 it just might!
“Santa is no longer able to hand deliver presents," the humanoid recited. "The reindeer have all been sold."
"That business model is no longer viable. The future is in AI, Santa wants everyone to be told." No, Dasher? No Dancer? No Blitzen? This news just rocked me to the core.
"I'm a robot prototype designed by Boston Dynamics," he said, "And I am being controlled by some guy named 'Dylan' who works offshore."
"Don't you worry though, dear sir, Santa wants to assure you that the Christmas spirit is not gone."
"He knows if you've been bad or good, he also has algorithms that analyze all of your purchases from Amazon."
This had to be a bad dream, Friends, you know what I mean?
What in the name of 2001: A Space Odyssey was happening? Or was I living in a real life version of Soylent Green?
"And exactly who wants a world without Santa?" I growled with a tone that was brusque.
"But he's invested heavily in the best technology," the robot said, "Sir, he's tight with Elon Musk!"
With that his electronic eyes showed a faint twinkle and the pixels around his nose were as red as a cherry.
I suppose if this is how it's going to be I need to get used to this guy and his style of acting merry.
Sure it's going to take some time, some explanations to help my kids with their shock.
Wait, who am I kidding? They probably already saw all of this news on Tik-Tok.
I watched the robot move around the house, dropping presents for each family member with great precision.
It was like Santa was there himself and each gift that was delivered was his own perfect decision.
It was a strangely familiar operation....like Santa 2.0 without a belly.
No more cookies and milk, I guess we will help the Santabots lubricate their aching joints by leaving out jars of petroleum jelly.
The whole scene unfolded probably in less that an hour.
You'd think that seeing a lifetime of believing in the magic of the Christmas Spirit undone would have left me a lot more sour.
But in the end I just shrugged and figured this was how it was going to be.
We'll all get over it and life will go on. It will happen to you too, you'll see.
And then, just like that, Santa's mechanical elf finished his work and it was time for him to go on his way.
I gazed at the robot one last time, feeling like I had something I needed to say.
"People are worried that AI is going to eliminate jobs for humans and you probably receive a lot of hate."
"But, god damn, your work is good and it's efficient -- some of Santa's very best work to date."
"Why thank you kind sir," the Santabot droned with an expressionless gaze.
"My handler Dylan and I would appreciate it if you gave us a 5 star review when you get an email from the home office over the next few days."
"The Big Guy will still be around," he turned to leave and said, "I assure you from him you have not heard the last."
“Santa is pivoting and building a media empire," he exclaimed as he climbed into a Tesla Cybertruck in the driveway, "In 2025 he will be announcing the launch of the 'Call Me Santa' podcast!"
______
Wishing you all a healthy and safe break this week and some much needed downtime with the ones closest to you.
XOXO
Dave
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