Giving some people your help is like making them eat Minny's Chocolate Pie..Overall, I have always been amazed at how the good in people tends to come out in times of need or crisis. I think, for most, when they see someone struggling or hurting, empathy takes over and they do what they can to lend a hand. Most people like to help.What is interesting is that when you lose a loved one, people like to make and bring food. Lots and lots of food. For some reason, cooking and baking for someone else makes people feel like they are making things easier -- as if the responsibility of putting an occasional Hot Pocket in a microwave oven for quick nourishment is too great for one to handle when they are grieving. Don't get me wrong, the gesture is extremely kind and appreciated. But sometimes, the act of bringing food to someone under those circumstances is not really to help them -- it is more to help you feel like you are helping. It is as if by delivering them a lasagna you are personally ensuring that they and their family will not starve. Never mind that at least 5 other people also did the exact same thing and their refrigerator ends up being stocked with enough pasta to carbo load half of the Boston Marathon.What is the receiver of such generosity to do? Of course they are grateful for the outpouring of support, but now they are also stressed about where to put all of the food! And can it be eaten before it goes bad? And what do they do if someone makes a dish that contains an ingredient to which someone in the house is allergic? This is when the unsolicited help, with all of its good intentions, becomes a burden.Whether it is in my personal life or professional life, I like to help (like I know many of you also like to do). It makes me feel good to know that I can channel my energy and enthusiasm to do something or say something that could potentially make someone else's life better. As I have said here before, I like to make a mean omelette for my kids and house guests. I am an avid networker and connector. I enjoy coaching my kids' rec sports teams. I love writing and compiling stories for this newsletter every week. I also consult and advise students, entrepreneurs and companies from time to time. I do all of these things with good intentions and not only for what it does for others, but what it does for me in the process as well. Here's the problem: people don't always want the help. Sometimes it's because they never asked for it in the first place. Sometimes it's because they feel they would like to maintain control and can figure things out on their own. Sometimes ego won't let them admit that they could use the help. And sometimes they actually want help, but then the prospect of what the help entails scares the crap out of them.If you saw the movie The Help or read the book, you know of the scene toward the end where one of the main characters, in an act of revenge, delivers a "chocolate" pie to another woman for whom she once worked. I won't say what was actually in the pie, but it is not pleasant.I'm starting to understand that is what it must feel like sometimes when people are given help that they don't necessarily want -- it feels like they are getting one more lasagna to put in their refrigerator. Or, worse, being forced to slowly eat not one, but two slices of that special chocolate pie. It's stressful...it's unsettling...it's sh*tty. I don't think we want our help to do that to anyone. That's usually not the intention. So while we can't (nor should we want to) necessarily change how we approach helping them solve a problem, we can be more mindful of whether or not our help is wanted in the first place. Did they even ask for it? Will they even use it? If not, then maybe we should remind ourselves who is really benefiting most from the help we are eager to give: is it the other person/organization or is it us? If you find yourself in this situation, remember, no matter how badly you think you can make a difference, there might be no need to deliver another lasagna or chocolate pie to them. Save your energy. They likely have enough sh*t to deal with already....I assure you that while you didn't ask for them, there are no crappy articles this week, Friends. Savor every morsel if you can. Have a good one!XOXODave
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Friends of Dave #119: The Help
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Giving some people your help is like making them eat Minny's Chocolate Pie..Overall, I have always been amazed at how the good in people tends to come out in times of need or crisis. I think, for most, when they see someone struggling or hurting, empathy takes over and they do what they can to lend a hand. Most people like to help.What is interesting is that when you lose a loved one, people like to make and bring food. Lots and lots of food. For some reason, cooking and baking for someone else makes people feel like they are making things easier -- as if the responsibility of putting an occasional Hot Pocket in a microwave oven for quick nourishment is too great for one to handle when they are grieving. Don't get me wrong, the gesture is extremely kind and appreciated. But sometimes, the act of bringing food to someone under those circumstances is not really to help them -- it is more to help you feel like you are helping. It is as if by delivering them a lasagna you are personally ensuring that they and their family will not starve. Never mind that at least 5 other people also did the exact same thing and their refrigerator ends up being stocked with enough pasta to carbo load half of the Boston Marathon.What is the receiver of such generosity to do? Of course they are grateful for the outpouring of support, but now they are also stressed about where to put all of the food! And can it be eaten before it goes bad? And what do they do if someone makes a dish that contains an ingredient to which someone in the house is allergic? This is when the unsolicited help, with all of its good intentions, becomes a burden.Whether it is in my personal life or professional life, I like to help (like I know many of you also like to do). It makes me feel good to know that I can channel my energy and enthusiasm to do something or say something that could potentially make someone else's life better. As I have said here before, I like to make a mean omelette for my kids and house guests. I am an avid networker and connector. I enjoy coaching my kids' rec sports teams. I love writing and compiling stories for this newsletter every week. I also consult and advise students, entrepreneurs and companies from time to time. I do all of these things with good intentions and not only for what it does for others, but what it does for me in the process as well. Here's the problem: people don't always want the help. Sometimes it's because they never asked for it in the first place. Sometimes it's because they feel they would like to maintain control and can figure things out on their own. Sometimes ego won't let them admit that they could use the help. And sometimes they actually want help, but then the prospect of what the help entails scares the crap out of them.If you saw the movie The Help or read the book, you know of the scene toward the end where one of the main characters, in an act of revenge, delivers a "chocolate" pie to another woman for whom she once worked. I won't say what was actually in the pie, but it is not pleasant.I'm starting to understand that is what it must feel like sometimes when people are given help that they don't necessarily want -- it feels like they are getting one more lasagna to put in their refrigerator. Or, worse, being forced to slowly eat not one, but two slices of that special chocolate pie. It's stressful...it's unsettling...it's sh*tty. I don't think we want our help to do that to anyone. That's usually not the intention. So while we can't (nor should we want to) necessarily change how we approach helping them solve a problem, we can be more mindful of whether or not our help is wanted in the first place. Did they even ask for it? Will they even use it? If not, then maybe we should remind ourselves who is really benefiting most from the help we are eager to give: is it the other person/organization or is it us? If you find yourself in this situation, remember, no matter how badly you think you can make a difference, there might be no need to deliver another lasagna or chocolate pie to them. Save your energy. They likely have enough sh*t to deal with already....I assure you that while you didn't ask for them, there are no crappy articles this week, Friends. Savor every morsel if you can. Have a good one!XOXODave