Feel like a failure? Here's the person to blame.To start, I'd like to renew a disclaimer about the preambles that I believe I have said before (and still get asked about from time to time): The weekly intro not about you. I mean, it may be about the collective "you" as in people, humans or Friends in general. But the preambles are not about you specifically. Even if you think a particular one is about you, please remind yourself it most likely is not. I generally write these about a collection of conversations or thoughts I have over the course of a week or even months. Sometimes it may be triggered by events or instances that spark a particular thought. But, like with politics, I really try to refrain from talking about anyone specifically here or to be passive aggressive in sending a message to a particular reader or group of readers. So with that out of the way....This week I found myself in more than one conversation where the person with whom I was speaking said a version of this:"After talking to [other person], I felt like such a failure."It sucks when that happens, right? You did something that did not hit expectations and just by talking to someone else you feel worse about the result. Perhaps the conversation you had confirmed you messed up or the other person didn't say the right thing to make you feel better.It's really easy in these instances to place the blame on the other person and make them the cause of why you are feeling this way.Except I can guarantee you that, outside of situations that are habitual or abusive, they usually are not the reason you are feeling like a failure. Even if the other person said to you "You failed, you are a bad person and you suck." That honor of making you feel bad about yourself ultimately goes to one person: YOU.We can be our own worst enemies when it comes to judging ourselves. Sometimes we create unrealistic expectations based on our own flawed view of our abilities. Sometimes we underestimate how hard things can be. Sometimes we are just more critical and unforgiving of our mistakes than others are of us. We think we need to be perfect when we don't.Whatever the reason, when we aren't feeling good about ourselves, the judgement we pass down upon us can be harsh. And it doesn't take much to find external validation for those feelings we have inside of us. So we blame the other person in a conversation for making us feel a certain way -- because they are somehow proving something we are already thinking about ourselves.Ultimately, we are responsible for our feelings, not others. When we feel like a failure, it's us reacting to our judgement of ourselves, our own insecurities and our own fear of being perceived as a failure.But by giving the power of this over to someone else, we ultimately take away our ability to learn and grow from our mistakes. When this happens, those that take accountability for the feelings they are having will ultimately end up stronger.Here's a much more productive use of time: If you find yourself in one of these situations where you are talking to someone and it is making you feel like a failure, don't deflect it to the other person. Hit it head on. Own it. Ask yourself, "Did I really fail or is this me judging myself?" and if you did miss the mark, "What is the worst thing that could happen if I did?" Then, ask the other person "What do you think I could have done better?" Try to listen without judging or getting defensive. If you are seeking any sort of validation or clarity, remind yourself that it is on where you need to improve -- not that you "failed." While this might seem like common sense now, when you are in a bad spot at some point, I hope this preamble can be a helpful reminder to you -- own your mistakes, but don't beat yourself up over them. No one has the power to make you feel anything about your situation -- that is, no one other than you. As of now, Ukraine is still standing (any may outlast Putin), there's a new Batman in town, no baseball to be found and we are heading into March Madness in a few weeks. Interesting times. Enjoy the weekend.XOXODave
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Friends of Dave #272: bag salad is evil
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Feel like a failure? Here's the person to blame.To start, I'd like to renew a disclaimer about the preambles that I believe I have said before (and still get asked about from time to time): The weekly intro not about you. I mean, it may be about the collective "you" as in people, humans or Friends in general. But the preambles are not about you specifically. Even if you think a particular one is about you, please remind yourself it most likely is not. I generally write these about a collection of conversations or thoughts I have over the course of a week or even months. Sometimes it may be triggered by events or instances that spark a particular thought. But, like with politics, I really try to refrain from talking about anyone specifically here or to be passive aggressive in sending a message to a particular reader or group of readers. So with that out of the way....This week I found myself in more than one conversation where the person with whom I was speaking said a version of this:"After talking to [other person], I felt like such a failure."It sucks when that happens, right? You did something that did not hit expectations and just by talking to someone else you feel worse about the result. Perhaps the conversation you had confirmed you messed up or the other person didn't say the right thing to make you feel better.It's really easy in these instances to place the blame on the other person and make them the cause of why you are feeling this way.Except I can guarantee you that, outside of situations that are habitual or abusive, they usually are not the reason you are feeling like a failure. Even if the other person said to you "You failed, you are a bad person and you suck." That honor of making you feel bad about yourself ultimately goes to one person: YOU.We can be our own worst enemies when it comes to judging ourselves. Sometimes we create unrealistic expectations based on our own flawed view of our abilities. Sometimes we underestimate how hard things can be. Sometimes we are just more critical and unforgiving of our mistakes than others are of us. We think we need to be perfect when we don't.Whatever the reason, when we aren't feeling good about ourselves, the judgement we pass down upon us can be harsh. And it doesn't take much to find external validation for those feelings we have inside of us. So we blame the other person in a conversation for making us feel a certain way -- because they are somehow proving something we are already thinking about ourselves.Ultimately, we are responsible for our feelings, not others. When we feel like a failure, it's us reacting to our judgement of ourselves, our own insecurities and our own fear of being perceived as a failure.But by giving the power of this over to someone else, we ultimately take away our ability to learn and grow from our mistakes. When this happens, those that take accountability for the feelings they are having will ultimately end up stronger.Here's a much more productive use of time: If you find yourself in one of these situations where you are talking to someone and it is making you feel like a failure, don't deflect it to the other person. Hit it head on. Own it. Ask yourself, "Did I really fail or is this me judging myself?" and if you did miss the mark, "What is the worst thing that could happen if I did?" Then, ask the other person "What do you think I could have done better?" Try to listen without judging or getting defensive. If you are seeking any sort of validation or clarity, remind yourself that it is on where you need to improve -- not that you "failed." While this might seem like common sense now, when you are in a bad spot at some point, I hope this preamble can be a helpful reminder to you -- own your mistakes, but don't beat yourself up over them. No one has the power to make you feel anything about your situation -- that is, no one other than you. As of now, Ukraine is still standing (any may outlast Putin), there's a new Batman in town, no baseball to be found and we are heading into March Madness in a few weeks. Interesting times. Enjoy the weekend.XOXODave