Friends of Dave #332: long distance kissing machine
Heavy is the head that wears the crown -- but it doesn't have to be.
This week, some thoughts on the impact of titles.
No, not song titles or book titles, but those things we obsess about early in our careers, we work hard to change on our LinkedIn profiles and that often companies give people to keep them motivated when they can’t afford to pay them more.
It’s like one minute someone is just an ordinary priest….then a bunch of people sequester themselves in a room, debate and discuss various things, light a fire that produces white smoke and….BOOM…..that ordinary priest is now “POPE.”
Or some guy is this nerdy oldest weird son of an equally weird old woman in the United Kingdom, she dies, and….BOOM….that dude is now “KING.”
Or a Millennial woman without a college degree who owns a restaurant in a small town in rural Colorado wakes up one day and says “I’m sick and tired of this crap,” decides to run for public office, and…BOOM…she becomes “CONGRESSWOMAN.”
I’ve seen it happen to me recently. As I mentioned here a few weeks ago, this Spring I am assisting with my 6th grade son’s lacrosse team. I am familiar with the sport but no expert — my role is mainly to help the head coach make sure the boys stay engaged and don’t hit each other on the head with their sticks too much. BOOM….they all refer to me as “COACH.”
Titles are these strange conventions that we assign to people in order to help us classify their role, importance or what they do. When you think about it, it’s funny how they influence people’s behavior.
One minute you are treated one way — you get a title, and the next minute you are treated differently.
In my case these days, 12 year old boys walk around town and now greet me as “Coach” and respond to me with “Yes, Coach” or “No, Coach” when I say something to them (even if it has nothing to do with lacrosse). A few weeks ago I was just the Dad (another title that comes with its own weight and expectations) of one of their classmates. Now, I swear it is like I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from the movie “Full Metal Jacket.”
All because for a few weeks I spend maybe 4 hours a week on a sports field with them….
I was talking to a friend this week who recently received a well deserved promotion to a C-level role at his firm. I asked how it was going and he half-jokingly replied that as soon as his title changed, “people stopped talking to me.” I’ve been there before myself (not just on the lacrosse field), and if you have too, you probably understand the feeling. All I could say was “Welcome to upper management.”
Why does this happen? Why does a title change how people talk to us and treat us?
Of course, titles generally come with more responsibilities and their own set of expectations of behavior, leadership and respect. People see them and have a conditioned reaction to them — no matter how the title holder acts.
Once you become a “boss” people just assume they need to treat you like a “boss.” You know, “don’t turn around, Der Kommissar is in town.”
Have they ever thought that maybe Der Kommissar has feelings too? Maybe they want you to turn around?
What also invariably happens is that the title holder, flush with the new set of responsibilities and expectations, changes their behavior as well. Sometimes it can be in reaction to how others are treating them — more often it is in advance of that. It’s like you are an actor playing a role and you feel you need to be what others expect from someone with the title.
It’s a fine balancing act — and usually no one tells you how to do it. And not everyone is meant for it. Sometimes the expectations of the title become more of a burden than actual responsibilities being fulfilled. Perfectly capable people become ineffective because they focus more on trying “to be” the role they think others want them to be — as opposed to just doing the job.
There are some leaders who would be better off and more effective without the burden of the title that goes with their role. Have you ever seen that before?
I guess, when you think about it, the best leaders, whether they are “POPE,” “KING,” “CONGRESSWOMAN,” or “COACH” are the ones who don’t let the title dictate how they do the job. They work hard to make people (including themselves) feel at ease and natural (i.e. when they are in town, they make people WANT to turn around).
Instead of focusing on living up to what their title represents, the best leaders focus more on fulfilling what the role actually means to others. In other words, the best leaders are the ones who excel at doing the job, not playing the role.
And just like that, we are charging into May, Friends. Be well.
XOXO
Dave
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