Friends of Dave #347: call them wife pleasers
Revisiting Intensity: Why Does It Make People So Uncomfortable?
Spoiler alert: I am an intense person.
Remember a few weeks ago when I talked about urgency and said that it was my “middle name?” Well, I failed to mention that intensity might come a close second.
Funny thing happened though. Shortly after writing that intro, I enjoyed lunch with a colleague who I really respect and with whom I enjoy working and collaborating. Over the course of our meal we had a friendly, spirited conversation and debate about some key business drivers I thought required more attention. There was some hand waving, colorful language used to accentuate my points and talk of a need for urgency.
As we wrapped up and walked back to the office, my mild mannered, soft spoken colleague (who has only known me for a short time) stopped and said to me:
“You are a pretty intense guy, aren’t you, Dave?”
A stunned look came over me. I paused and then I stared her in the eye and quietly and slowly said with a completely straight face:
Wow….you know….you are the very first person to ever say that to me….thank you.
I could tell my colleague now was stunned.
You’d think she accidentally let it slip that the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy AND Santa were not real. Concerned she may have hurt my feelings, she sheepishly replied “Really?!?”
Oh…..you poor, nice, caring person…..I had to let her off the hook — I burst out laughing and said, “Are you kidding? Of course I’ve heard that before….if you think I’m intense now be glad you didn’t know me 20 years ago!”
I know there is a group of you reading this that are nodding and chuckling as well…
I was reminded of this interaction earlier this week as a result of a story that came out about the Washington Commanders football team.
With NFL training camps back in full swing, there is no shortage of content filling the news cycles for American football fans. This one, in my book, took the cake.
For those who don’t know, the Commanders, in addition to being serial underachievers, have a been perhaps the most dysfunctional team in the NFL for over 20 years. It was such a bad overall situation and toxic culture that the NFL stepped in and forced it’s owner to sell the team this past year.
During the off-season, they happened to have the luck to hire one of the most coveted assistant coaches in the game, Eric Bieniemy. He had been with the Kansas City Chiefs for the last 10 years — during that time they rose to league dominance and won two Super Bowls. The latest was just a few months ago.
The hire was a clear signal that a culture change was in order.
And yet, early this week, the head coach of the team was quoted in the media saying that players had recently come to him with concern about Bieniemy’s intensity level…
Wait a minute….A losing, galactically dysfunctional team goes out and hires a leader and change agent with a track record of achievement, winning and innovation and players are complaining to the boss that they are concerned about him being too intense?
Me:
NOTE: despite the coach walking these comments back by end of week, this reaction should not come as a surprise to any of you based on how this preamble started.
Now long time readers know we’ve discussed “intensity” in this space here before — feel free to go back and re-read issue #299 from last September and issue #178 as a refresher.
But what I am wondering this week: why does intensity make people so uncomfortable?
When you think about it, intensity is a close cousin to urgency. Where urgency is about controlling tempo in order to get something done efficiently in a concentrated period of time, intensity is more about controlling velocity to get something done efficiently with a concentrated level of focus.
You can be urgent without being intense. And intense without being urgent. But urgency + intensity? Double whammy.
A common thread to both is “control.” And we know that most people generally do not enjoy the feeling of not being in control. So when it comes to intensity, perhaps it is the lack of control combined with things coming with a significant amount of force that gets people uncomfortable. It makes them worry about whether they will able to meet expectations and handle what is coming at them.
When it came to my lunch with my colleague, I guess I had underestimated that my communication style combined with my passion and enthusiasm for my point of view might come across as intense and create some discomfort with someone who does not know me very well. While I can certainly be mindful of this in the future, I am hoping that, as the person gets more familiar with me, they get more comfortable with my intensity. I hope that they will trust that it will be used for good.
In the case of the Commanders and their new coach? It still baffles me that a losing organization, in dire need of a culture change, would publicize these complaints from players. To me, it just makes them look soft. But, when I look at it objectively, perhaps what we are seeing is more of a referendum on generational dynamics in the workplace.
While football itself is an intense sport, the players are mostly in their twenties and early thirties. Bieniemy is in his fifties — more old school. He is also new to the organization and, while his resume speaks for itself, the players are not familiar with him. More importantly, they don’t necessarily trust him.
As we see in the workplace and in our daily lives, we know Gen Z and Millennials can struggle with managing themselves when they are uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable can often lead to them getting anxious. Therefore, communicating with them can sometimes require making accommodations. You can still be intense, but it may require applying a more empathetic approach if you want to get the most out of them.
Sure, as we have discussed here before, I believe people overall need to get comfortable being uncomfortable and be more resilient, but I’m also becoming more curious how people react to intensity. While I may be comfortable with intensity and intense people myself, I’m starting to understand the adverse affects that it can have on others — particularly when you are trying to lead them to a particular outcome or result.
Think about intense situations you have experienced in your past — maybe it was at work, on a ride at a amusement park, a movie or during some sort of competition. Were you uncomfortable? What caused the discomfort for you?
Open to thoughts on this — let me know. In the meantime, here’s a gentle reminder to have a relaxing, stress free weekend!
XOXO
Dave
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