Friends of Dave #382: š¶ tortured poets šæ
Why do we feel compelled to say and do the things that we say and do?
Friends, ever notice how much of our time we spend thinking about, and judging, why other people say and do the things they do?
We spend time dissecting, hypothesizing, and ruminating on the reasons why someone else is a certain way ā mainly because we then feel or react in a certain way in response to the behavior.
Usually we donāt like it or wish it would be different.
When I was younger this is seemed like a useful exercise to think about and judge the reasons why someone else did or said something to me. As if me understanding this could lead to somehow me changing how this person was.
As I have gotten older I have come to realize that this is usually a complete waste of time.
Sure, understanding other people and empathizing with them can be important ā especially seeing, as discussed last week, that we all suck at communication.
But I am now much more fascinated in understanding my own reaction to things that are going on around me ā mainly because that is what I can control.
I canāt control how someone else is feeling in a certain moment.
I canāt control how they choose to communicate to me.
I canāt control if they end up being rude or stupid or ignorant or an a$$hole.
But I can control my reaction to all of these things.
What compels us to say and do the things we say and do?
It is easy to devote time and emotion into the things that make our partners, our co-workers, our family members and our children tick.
But have you ever stopped and wondered, I mean really wondered, why you do something? Particularly the same thing? Over and over?
Why maybe you may react a certain way? Maybe when you know better or evidence shows you might be better off reacting differently?
Have you ever wondered why, when someone else says or does something, you feel the way that you do as the reaction to it?
Think about it.
Why does that person or situation āmakeā you mad? Or upset? Or insecure? Or frustrated? Or anxious? Or happy for that matter?
Or worse ā feeling something you canāt quite understand?
And then why do you feel compelled to react in response to it in the way you choose to do?
We all have our go-to phrases. Our go-to defense mechanisms. Our go-to emotions. We have a playbook that we have developed throughout our years living on the planet to help us all survive.
But who says that playbook is the right one? Or maybe it was the right one at one time, but maybe it isnāt any more.
The only way you can figure that out is to think about it.
Spend less time thinking about the motivations behind why someone else is doing what they are doing.
I think itās a lot more powerful for us to understand, control, and be accountable for our reactions to the things around usā¦what do you think?
I know, I may have posted a record number of question marks in this preamble this weekā¦sorry about thatā¦hopeful this short intro gave you some good things to ponder.
Have a great weekend!
XOXO
Dave
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