Friends of Dave #388: ⚖️guilty on all counts🍊
It's called "Commencement" for a reason....
It’s that time of year, Friends.
You know, the time of year where your social media feeds are full of prom pictures and photos of young, fresh faced graduates in caps and gowns.
It’s about pomp. It’s about circumstance. It’s about ceremonies. It’s about expensive single use dresses that most likely will go out of style within a decade….but are kept in an attic or closet for later anyway…just in case….
And this month on the calendar always brings out the words of wisdom of others to share with those celebrating the big milestones that they are experiencing.
Long time readers may recall that I have shared my own version of such addresses in the past, but this year it is going to be different.
This year I am talking to a different constituency, one that seldom gets addressed at amongst all of the scholarly pomp and circumstance: THE PARENTS.
So here we go….
Parents of the Class of 2024……
Look at you. I know most of you at one point or another questioned whether it would happen, but you made it to this day.
After all of the 💩 you had to deal with, all the eye rolls, the tears, the skinned knees, broken appendages, slammed doors, the blown curfews and anxiety over playdates, homework grades, test scores and application deadlines, the stressful club sports tryouts, the recitals and performances, all of the money you shelled out to over stimulate and over schedule your young offspring and the thousands upon thousands of threats to take away the damn cellphone, the day is finally here.
Give yourselves a big pat on the back. The keg stand line is starting to form at the back of the auditorium for those in need to blow off some steam….sure, Nanna, you can join in too…
And while you are nursing your well earned celebratory beverages and are giving each other high fives, I’d like to take a moment to remind you what today’s ceremony is: it’s called commencement for a reason.
Now, for those of you who did not take Latin in high school (fun fact: I did for one year – mainly to help with my college transcript), the word “commencement” doesn’t mean it’s the end.
No, Friends, it’s a beginning.
That’s right – for years you believed your job was to guide those kids of yours to the finish line……and that today might somehow represent a finish line of sorts.
You may have been told or believed that by removing obstacles from their path, making things easier, giving them privileges and access to things that you didn’t have it would some how make your child finish in a better place than their peers or maybe even better than you did. You may have convinced yourself that the quality of your effort would be measured by their results – and maybe reflect well on your abilities as a parent.
But as some of you fellow battered and weary parents already know, you have been had! You've been took! Hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Lead astray! Run amok!
The real work hasn’t even begun.
Here’s a dirty little secret they didn’t tell you when you left the hospital with that bundle of joy over 18 years ago or take time to remind you of at preschool graduation:
As parents your real job is to use your child’s first 21 years to train them to get to the starting line of a race you will likely (if you are lucky) never see them finish.
If your kid is graduating high school, I know that this may feel like a bit of a let down – especially after the last year or two of concentrated hell you most likely just experienced.
Sure, hopefully there have been many moments of triumph where you have been in awe that your baby has grown to be an amazing young adult…OH THE PLACES THEY CAN GO!
But let’s be real….it has also been counter balanced by those times you sat on the steps in the dark or in the car in your driveway, shaking your head in utter disbelief that someone as smart, thoughtful and capable as you raised such a complete a$$hole….trust me, you will be ready for them to leave by end of summer.
For your high school graduates, the next four years outside of your constant gaze and oversight are going to be critical years of discovery for them as they train to get to the real starting line. Years they need to learn and understand the meaning of perseverance, resilience, grit and self-reliance. Years they need to make their own decisions, handle their own schedules, do their own laundry, pay their own bills, do their own taxes, make their own meals and advocate and care for themselves both in mind and body.
Now take a good look at your all-growns up baby in their cap and gown awaiting to get their first piece of paper – forget about their high school accolades, achievements, the essays they wrote and the place they are going next year. Do they really understand these things today?
For more than you think (and more than you will see on your social media feeds), I’m here to tell you that this is will likely not be a linear path – they may not be ready to approach the starting gate just yet. They may take a step forward, two steps back or a few steps to the side. You will have to grit your teeth, hold your tongue and let them be uncomfortable…That doesn’t mean you have failed.
This when they should begin to understand it is their journey, not yours. They need to own it.
You are just a spectator.
Keep reminding yourself (and them) it’s okay if they make mistakes -- they are still in training for the real race. There are no trophies for getting to the starting line. And if you need to, maybe help them slow things down so they have more time to get ready.
Trust me, the next four years, as fast as they go, are going to be as important as the first 18.
For those of you parents who are celebrating the next big milestone, like the end of college payments, congratulations! The race is about to start.
Holy 💩….their race is about to start!!!😯
Your babies are now adults who can vote, who can drink, who can do things, who can get piercings and tattoos and go places – all without you. The world should truly be their oyster.
The world, despite how you might feel or what you may have told them as they grew up, also does not think they are special.
So as the starting gun on their race soon goes off, remind yourself that your job is now to cheer them on from the side – it’s THEIR RACE to run…..and if the stars align, it is going to be a long one.
Hopefully they are ready for whatever life throws at them – expect that they probably are not.
But remind yourself that you have taught them many important lessons about the world. How they, and their peers, start does not mean that is how they are going to finish. They will struggle, they will hit their stride, and they will struggle again along the way. Your job is to love them, encourage them, and provide advice and coaching only when asked.
Remember how you felt when you were their age and the support you really wanted from your parents and loved ones. Be there to lend a hand when they stumble. Be there to cheer them on when they do well. Try to reserve judgement on the decisions they make. And never be shy to give them a hug and tell them you believe in them (even when you might have some doubts).
But enough of that….we all know how long the race can be.
Friends and parents of the class of 2024, congratulations on arriving at this moment!
Today, there is confetti to be thrown, air horns to blast and pomp and circumstance to be played. Life’s milestones are best acknowledged and celebrated with as much passion and revelry as possible.
Take time to enjoy commencement and the pageantry this season. These are the fruits of the work you have done to help your offspring and loved ones arrive at their new beginning.
And here’s to them taking one more step toward moving out of the nest and into their own place as soon as possible! 🍻🍻🍻
Oh, the places YOU can then go!
XOXO
Dave
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